What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 01:05
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
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My life is so biszare .
Who then, do I blame.?
I have no regrets .
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And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He resisted the act ,that day.
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One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
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Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i do to all so called friends.?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ive learnt so much.
Why do Democrats never produce a good argument for why Trump was a bad president?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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When she asked me how she looked .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
How do I cope with the fact that I will never have a girlfriend?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
How do I deal with autistic burnout/meltdown/shutdown when cooking?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
What does success really mean to you? Is it about happiness, money, or something else?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I waited trembling.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But, we were locked up after school.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I don,t even have a pension.
She found it foreign!.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She wouldn,t have been !
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She married twice! .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
All the time i was locked up.
My family never makes their pension either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
So whats the point in blame.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I think the readers, may guess!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We were not on the streets..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But ive been too sick for many years..
I will be 64.
But it wasn’t much.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Comes on , in middle age.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
We all went to grammer schools
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It was going to be , some day.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Was to survive, this bastard.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
So, i spoilt her more .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Put me off passion for life!!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Im still living with it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He knew the spot.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
One cannot live in the past .
I write beautiful poetry .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
What did i know ?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was in good health!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I was very sick at this time too.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was seconnd youngest,
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And i lived it daily.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I said to her
I couldn’t, believe it.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
This is soul school!.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
She loved him until the end.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was scared of men, in general
I was 9 years of age.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Would this be the day?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.